Embracing Chaos

A while ago, while standing outside in the garage with Steve, I looked over at our neighbor.  He is an old man with no family to speak of, who is always working in his garage until dusk.  Then he goes in his house, and from his kitchen window, you can see him putter around.  If you look through his dining room window you see that at the same time every day he sits down to dinner, by himself, hunched down reading.  I have thought about him often. About what it must be like, to live very much of your life in total silence, unless you fill it with background noise.  .

I have been thinking these thoughts for so long now, that when my mom introduced me to a song I'd never heard before, tears streamed down my face.  Thomas was just a very small thing at the time, not more than a few weeks old, and the song hit on a nerve that runs deep in my veins.  Having children with such a wide age range, my experiences have really changed.  I remember, with Andrew, being so excited for each milestone that I completely forgot about one that we were going through.  I would look forward, in such eager anticipation.  I loved seeing him turn bigger & bigger with each step, and loved how excited he was to get there too, presumably to please me.  Then when Hannah was born, I saw how big Andrew looked next to her.  For the first time it occurred to me that I would never recover the time I'd so nonchalantly let pass by in the blink of an eye.

This is the song my mom introduced to me..

IT WON'T BE LIKE THIS FOR LONG

DARIUS RUCKER

He didnt have to wake up
He'd been up all nite
Lay'n there in bed and listen'n
To his new born baby cry
He makes a pot of coffee
And splashes water on his face
His wife gives him a kiss and says
Its gonna be OK

It wont be like this for long
One day we'll look back laugh'n
At the week we brought her home
This phase is gonna fly by
So baby just hold on
It wont be like this for long

Four years later bout four thirty
She's crawling in there bed
And when he drops her off at preschool
She's clinging to his leg
The teacher peels her off of him
He says what can I do
She says now dont you worry
This will only last a week or two

It wont be like this for long
One day soon you'll drop her off
And she wont even know your gone
This phase is gonna fly by
If you can just hold on
It wont be like this for long

Some day soon she'll be a teenager
And at times he'll think she hates him
Then he'll walk her down the isle
And he'll raise her vale
But right now shes up and cry'n
And the truth is that he dont mind
As he kisses her good night
And she says her prayers
He lays down there beside her
Till her eyes are finally closed
And just watch'n her it breaks his heart
Cause he already knows
It wont be like this for long
One day soon that little girl is gonna be
All grown up and gone
Yeah this phase is gonna fly by
He's try'n to hold on
It wont be like this for long
It wont be like this for long

There are times when the world is going completely out of control around me. I sit there in the center of the storm, dreaming of a life that starts by sleeping until 9, lazily crawling out of my silk sheeted bed, drinking my coffee while slowly reading the paper, and proceeding to spend the day doing whatever I feel like.  Because the laundry is all finished, the dishes were done last night, and the bathroom won't have toothpaste around the entire thing.  I will probably only have to pick up items off the floor because I am moving furniture to vacuum..not because an entire family dropped everything and never looked back.  


I won't fight anyone to eat their veggies. I won't have an entire forest  recycled into the form of school papers as carpeting.  I will eat my lunch the way I like it, without having to scrub yogurt off of the table legs first.  I will make a small dinner and sit with my very quiet husband and we will talk about something other than the reasons why we don't discuss farts at the table.  I will have 2 plates and forks to rinse, and my dishwasher will take at least 3 days to fill up, instead of 3 times a day.  I will take a quiet shower at the timing I wish, not when the water comes back from cold.  I will get out to find my towel exactly where I left it-and not have to yell for someone to get me one.  I will leisurely brush my teeth, and quietly get ready without worrying about whether I forgot to sign something or another.  I will watch some late night talk show-because I will get to sleep until I feel rested-and then quietly slip into my nice satin sheets again.  


The problem with that is, when that day I dream about comes, I will be totally and utterly bored.  I won't have laughter ringing through the house.  I won't have hugs and kisses at my disposal.  I won't have teammates for a game of Guesstures, or anyone to tell stupid jokes to.  I will never again get the utter chaos that my life has been for the last 13 years.  I will have joy, and I will have laughter but it will never, ever be like this again. 

It's amazing what perspective can accomplish.  My life is good, sweet, and filled with blessings so numerous I can't begin to list them all.  I know that I am far from done with raising the kids, but as the days melt into weeks that somehow ooze into years I know that what I have is better than a clean house free from ear piercing toddler screams, or tween dramarama.  These are blessings I can't even begin to imagine replacing.  


When that day of boredom comes I will stalk my children.. I will be pushing the doctor aside as my grandbabies are born and I will pretend to not notice that my kids are hoping Grandma goes home soon...


Just kidding..sorta...!