I know that you are younger, and this letter is more of something for the future..of course not for the now. But there is so much on my heart that I want to get out now, so that when you get older, you can understand a little better who you are, and where you come from.
You are such a magnificent child. You are so full of life. You throw yourself into your emotions-quite literally. If you are feeling lovey you come running up, grabbing us and squeezing so tight, your little arms wrapping around our necks and you hold on with a love I can feel so strongly, even though you are so tiny. When you are angry, you fling the object of your disgruntled inn-affection so far we seriously think that one day you might just be a pro baseball player. You have such a big personality for such a teeny guy. You. Are. Loved.
You may hear, throughout the years, my term "Bonus Baby" used to describe you. Although I'm sure you are smart enough to figure this out, and why you would be called this, I want you to hear from me, your mother. This is my side of the story. Because years can muddle memories, and time wavers the thoughts, I choose now to write to you. The story of how you became my bonus baby.
I'm sure, as time passes, that you will learn that Andrew & Hannah's dad is not your own dad. Although I never think of you as their half brother, the term is there because you do have a different dad. In this house, however, there are no halves. You are entirely their brother. However, before you were born, I was married to their dad. We got married when we were young, had Andrew & Hannah, and then decided that we would have no more children. I was okay with that fact, but felt the tiniest smidgen incomplete. I always felt as though somebody were missing. For a while I looked into adopting, but it was so expensive that I knew right away that I couldn't afford to adopt. So I continued my life, as the mom of 2 kids for quite some time.
For whatever reason parents divorce, Andrew & Hannah were left in the middle of it. We were divorced when they were still pretty young, but old enough to understand everything that was happening. As terrible as their dad & I felt for this decision, we knew that it was the best choice. It was tough, but as time went on, we found a way to resume normalcy. I had the luck of getting to fall in love with your dad. We dated for quite some time, debating on whether or not to have another baby. Andrew & Hannah were older, and I was used to having older kids, so the thought of having a baby was exciting, but scary at the same time.
Your dad & I had a small wedding ceremony, just a couple close friends and family. Andrew was Steve's Best Man, and Hannah was my Maid of Honor. Afterwards, as planned, decided to start trying to have you. What a lucky thing to find out that I was pregnant shortly after our wedding! You were so ready to become part of our family! But oh boy, was I scared to death at the same time,
You see, as a mom, it is scary to know that you will be responsible for this small child..this person will need everything from you. Food, clothing, shelter, love, and basically, that their parents don't totally mess them up. I was really worried that I wouldn't be a good mom to you. It's irrational, I know, but what can I say?!
So as time went on, my pregnancy became part of the ebb & flow of our family. I was tired often, and I think secretly..ok, it wasn't really a secret, but the kids rather enjoyed when I would fall asleep before it was time to pick them up from school, because I had this agreement with them that if I was late because of you making me tired, they would get a Slurpee. Oh, did they get their fill of that ice cold treat! I was so tired. Yet, life resumed. Life was busy. Between your brother, sister, and dad, I was stretched thin, but I was so happy to get to have you there along for the ride.
I got pretty sick towards the end of my pregnancy. It was too early for them to deliver you, but you were old enough that it was a worry for you to stay in there if it got bad. So I was in the hospital for quite a few days while the doctors helped me get better. It was my 1st time I got to sit & really quietly enjoy you. At the beginning of my hospital stay you were very inactive in there, because the amniotic fluid was low. But with each day that I got healthier, you got more & more spunky again. At the end, I got another ultrasound picture, and you were so active she could barely get a clear shot of you! She wanted to get a picture of your face for me, and it was the toughest picture she said she'd taken in a while!
After I got better, our hectic life swarmed all around us.
Yet, the day you were born, the world stopped for you. It wasn't exactly an eventful labor & delivery. You came pretty quickly once it was time. I was in pretty easy labor for about 12 hourse, and I pushed for a total of 8 minutes, and there you were-all 8 lbs, 3 ounces of you. Screaming and angry that you'd been taken out of your cozy world.
Your dad, for as much as he'd been happy to be Andrew & Hannah's step dad, had his flesh & blood lying there in his arms. He couldn't stop being a proud papa. He was glowing, gleaming. Fatherhood suits him well.
Andrew & Hannah were in the room that day also. They got to see your firsts. First gulp of air, first cry, first squirms and grimaces. They got to hold you and they were so unabashedly in love with you. Hannah was grinning from ear to ear, talking a mile a minute, taking pictures of you like you were a rock star she couldn't stop filming. Andrew held you close, and all he could say, over and over, was how happy he was, and how beautiful you were. Tears were streaming down his face, and I am literally sitting here crying as I write this, because it was singlehandedly, the most beautiful way you could have come into this world.
Even your name holds huge significance. Thomas is the name of your great grandfather-your dad's grandpa. Your Great Grandpa Tom was a huge part of his life. Many of the reasons your dad is who he is today is because of the lessons of life his Grandpa Tom gave him. So that is special for you. But also, the name Nash, as you have probably learned by now has great meaning too.
NASH:
Nancy
Nancy
Andrew
Steve
Hannah
I wish I could take credit for this idea..but I can't. Although your dad had said he wanted to give you the initials TNA-Total Nonstop Action.. So we went through droves of names starting with an N. Nothing seemed to fit. Then, one day your Aunt Diana called & left a message on my machine "NASH! She said..it couldn't work better!" So your dad & I mulled it over, and the day you were born, it was most definitely decided..Thomas Nash Amaral. You had been the melding of two worlds.
You see, in my previous life-the one where you weren't there, life would have gone on. I knew I loved Andrew & Hannah, and life was good as their mother. Then, unexpectedly, I got this extra chance at motherhood. You were the bonus to this mother's wonderful life.
I love you, Thomas Nash Amaral, never ever forget that.
Love,
Mom
So sweet!
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