A letter to my youngest

Dear Thomas,


I know that you are younger, and this letter is more of something for the future..of course not for the now.  But there is so much on my heart that I want to get out now, so that when you get older, you can understand a little better who you are, and where you come from.  

You are such a magnificent child.  You are so full of life.  You throw yourself into your emotions-quite literally.  If you are feeling lovey you come running up, grabbing us and squeezing so tight, your little arms wrapping around our necks and you hold on with a love I can feel so strongly, even though you are so tiny.  When you are angry, you fling the object of your disgruntled inn-affection so far we seriously think that one day you might just be a pro baseball player.  You have such a big personality for such a teeny guy.  You. Are. Loved.


You may hear, throughout the years, my term "Bonus Baby" used to describe you. Although I'm sure you are smart enough to figure this out, and why you would be called this, I want you to hear from me, your mother. This is my side of the story. Because years can muddle memories, and time wavers the thoughts, I choose now to write to you.  The story of how you became my bonus baby.


I'm sure, as time passes, that you will learn that Andrew & Hannah's dad is not your own dad.  Although I never  think of you as their half brother, the term is there because you do have a different dad.  In this house, however, there are no halves.  You are entirely their brother.  However, before you were born, I was married to their dad.  We got married when we were young, had Andrew & Hannah, and then decided that we would have no more children.  I was okay with that fact, but felt the tiniest smidgen incomplete. I always felt as though somebody were missing.  For a while I looked into adopting, but it was so expensive that I knew right away that I couldn't afford to adopt.  So I continued my life, as the mom of 2 kids for quite some time.


For whatever reason parents divorce, Andrew & Hannah were left in the middle of it.  We were divorced when they were still pretty young, but old enough to understand everything that was happening.  As terrible as their dad & I felt for this decision, we knew that it was the best choice.  It was tough, but as time went on, we found a way to resume normalcy.  I had the luck of getting to fall in love with your dad.  We dated for quite some time, debating on whether or not to have another baby.  Andrew & Hannah were older, and I was used to having older kids, so the thought of having a baby was exciting, but scary at the same time.


Your dad & I had a small wedding ceremony, just a couple close friends and family.  Andrew was Steve's Best Man, and Hannah was my Maid of Honor. Afterwards, as planned, decided to start trying to have you.  What a lucky thing to find out that I was pregnant shortly after our wedding! You were so ready to become part of our family!  But oh boy, was I scared to death at the same time,


You see, as a mom, it is scary to know that you will be responsible for this small child..this person will need everything from you. Food, clothing, shelter, love, and basically, that their parents don't totally mess them up.  I was really worried that I wouldn't be a good mom to you.  It's irrational, I know, but what can I say?!


So as time went on, my pregnancy became part of the ebb & flow of our family.  I was tired often, and I think secretly..ok, it wasn't really a secret, but the kids rather enjoyed when I would fall asleep before it was time to pick them up from school, because I had this agreement with them that if I was late because of you making me tired, they would get a Slurpee.  Oh, did they get their fill of that ice cold treat! I was so tired.  Yet, life resumed.  Life was busy.  Between your brother, sister, and dad, I was stretched thin, but I was so happy to get to have you there along for the ride.


I got pretty sick towards the end of my pregnancy.  It was too early for them to deliver you, but you were old enough that it was a worry for you to stay in there if it got bad.  So I was in the hospital for quite a few days while the doctors helped me get better.  It was my 1st time I got to sit & really quietly enjoy you.  At the beginning of my hospital stay you were very inactive in there, because the amniotic fluid was low. But with each day that I got healthier, you got more & more spunky again.  At the end, I got another ultrasound picture, and you were so active she could barely get a clear shot of you! She wanted to get a picture of your face for me, and it was the toughest picture she said she'd taken in a while!


After I got better, our hectic life swarmed all around us.  


Yet, the day you were born, the world stopped for you.  It wasn't exactly an eventful labor & delivery.  You came pretty quickly once it was time.  I was in pretty easy labor for about 12 hourse, and  I pushed for a total of 8 minutes, and there you were-all 8 lbs, 3 ounces of you.  Screaming and angry that you'd been taken out of your cozy world.  


Your dad, for as much as he'd been happy to be Andrew & Hannah's step dad, had his flesh & blood lying there in his arms.  He couldn't stop being a proud papa. He was glowing, gleaming.  Fatherhood suits him well.


Andrew & Hannah were in the room that day also.  They got to see your firsts.  First gulp of air, first cry, first squirms and grimaces.  They got to hold you and they were so unabashedly in love with you.  Hannah was grinning from ear to ear, talking a mile a minute, taking pictures of you like you were a rock star she couldn't stop filming. Andrew held you close, and all he could say, over and over, was how happy he was, and how beautiful you were. Tears were streaming down his face, and I am literally sitting here crying as I write this, because it was singlehandedly, the most beautiful way you could have come into this world.


Even your name holds huge significance.  Thomas is the name of your great grandfather-your dad's grandpa.  Your Great Grandpa Tom was a huge part of his life.  Many of the reasons your dad is who he is today is because of the lessons of life his Grandpa Tom gave him.  So that is special for you. But also, the name Nash, as you have probably learned by now has great meaning too.

NASH:
Nancy

Andrew

Steve

Hannah

I wish I could take credit for this idea..but I can't.  Although your dad had said he wanted to give you the initials TNA-Total Nonstop Action.. So we went through droves of names starting with an N. Nothing seemed to fit.  Then, one day your Aunt Diana called & left a message on my machine "NASH! She said..it couldn't work better!" So your dad & I mulled it over, and the day you were born, it was most definitely decided..Thomas Nash Amaral. You had been the melding of two worlds.

You see, in my previous life-the one where you weren't there, life would have gone on.  I knew I loved Andrew & Hannah, and life was good as their mother.  Then, unexpectedly, I got this extra chance at motherhood.  You were the bonus to this mother's wonderful life. 




I love you, Thomas Nash Amaral, never ever forget that.


Love,
Mom

A letter to my eldest son

Dear Andrew,

Oh, Andrew, my 1st born, what can I say.  You are such a wonderful boy.  Generous, thoughtful, always putting others before yourself.  When you were just a little bitty guy, I used to always say that it was like you were an "old soul."  We would be out, and you would see another little kid crying, and you would try and comfort them.  You had this soft, gentleness about you.  So rare for boys, but you had it.  Even adults have always enjoyed you in their presence.  You seemed to click with adults when other kids weren't even halfway interested in the grown ups around them.  I have enjoyed watching you grow up, and love cheering you on as you accomplish so much by working so hard.

You are a perfectionist.  Such a common trait for a 1st born.  As a mom, I gotta say, it makes my job very easy.  I don't need to poke, prod, or force you to do anything, you just pretty much do it, without argument.  You are honest, kind, and loyal to this family & to your friends.  So it is also natural for me to worry boatloads about the outcome of this boy who is so easy to do what is asked of him.  He doesn't like to hurt people's feelings, and although that can be great, as a mom it has it's moments of scary :)  

Andrew, I want you to know that you are an amazing kid.  Don't ever let peer pressure dictate otherwise.  Sometimes it can be hard to not do what the others are doing.  To say certain things, do things that are questionable.  In a world where disrespect runs rampant, you are one of the few who still stands for your beliefs, but at a cost it seems.  I know you feel like the world is judging you, that to be good means getting labeled, and being edgy is cool right now.  I know that.. I remember those days vividly.  It's so much easier to just do whatever it is people are all doing, because you'll stay under the radar that way.  To stand out for being the "good kid" is sort of like throwing on some nerd glasses & yelling out "Hey everybody, I'm a mama's boy!!"

Don't cave..don't feel like you have to impress others.  Don't feel like you need to be anything other than yourself.  If your friends can't like you for who you are, then they aren't your friends anyway.  It's true.  True friends really do like you for who you are.

Treat others with respect, even if it's not what the cool kids are doing.  Be kind to others, and be remembered for being the kid who was nice, even when the others weren't.  Always remember that there is a flip side to every story.  Like the boy we see with his mom every day, remember that everyone has a story.  Or like the boy who was mean to you & poked you as you were walking.  We just don't know.  We really don't know who is in our midst, and what they are going through.

Treat girls with total and absolute respect.  It is a hard life for girls.  I don't know truly what you, as a boy, go through, but as your mom I can tell you with absolute certainty that girls have it rough.  Treat them well, never say mean things to them.  Respect them as a person, for their mind, their heart, and their souls, but also respect their body.  Don't be the boy that girl remembers as being the jerk.  Be the one they remember with a smile, even when they're all grown up.  Compliment them for the mere fact that you want to be nice to them-not because you want to convince them of something for your own selfish reasons. Never disrespect, make fun of, or treat a girl poorly- girlfriend or not.  Always...always give them total and complete respect.

But also treat yourself with respect as well.  Respect your body.  Remember that you only get one 1st.  1st girlfriend, 1st love, 1st kiss.  These things don't come back.  Make them memorable, and never settle just to squelch curiosity.  Make it count, and above all else, never go further than is respectful to you or the girl. Go for the girl who is good for you, not for your reputation.  Love who you love with all of your heart, and don't feel like there's some sort of masculine quota that needs to be met.  You'll understand this more & more as life goes on.  Just remember, if you're mom approves, she approves for a reason..not that you have to always seek the counsel of your mom, but I can tell you now that I'm truly looking out for your best interest, not mine, in your life, but I'll always understand if you don't always want my advice.

Surround yourself with people who care about you, and wish you well.  Keep your honor intact.  Never falter in your faith & values.  Keep your morals close, and examine them often.  If you mess up, confront it, look at it closely for what it was, learn from it, and move on to become a stronger person from it.

I know you so well, even if you don't always know you.  I am so proud to me your mom, and so thankful that God gave you to me.  I am the luckiest mom alive to have Andrew Austin Baird as my son, and I take that job seriously.  I want you to know that I loved you from the very moment I found out that you were just a little teeny thing, the size of a piece of rice.  I really went around telling everyone that! People gave me some strange looks.  But I did it all the same, because you were my little piece of rice.

I love you, Andrewski, and I always will.

Love,
Mom

A letter to my daughter

Dear Hannah,

My love, my beautiful precious daughter.  You are a light to the world.  Your graciousness & kindness shine out, and people always take notice of the wonderful girl willing to lend a hand, a hug, or a laugh.  Creative, witty, and charming.  Just a few of the words that can describe an indescribable girl.  

As you get older, you're going to learn so many things in life.  School, groups, friends..all of them will mold you & turn you into a productive member of society.  How to add, spell, and dissect a frog.  How to say the Girl Scout Pledge, tie a knot, and donate your time & resources to charity.  How to be have awesome slumber parties & make your mom crazy with the phone bill..

Yet, for all of these lessons, there will be one you'll take all on your own.  Who you are.  Not what you can do, but who you, Hannah Linda Baird.....are.  Friends, boys, parents, siblings, teachers, coaches, random strangers on the street.  TV stars, musicians, magazine ads, commercials, they are all squeezing, pressing, turning, shifting & molding you mentally.  They will tell you, both out loud and through subtleness what you should be, what you need to do to be you.

Our whole world is designed in a way that makes it so hard, as a girl, to thrive.  There are so many rules, so many things you're supposed to do to go with the flow.  You will feel judgement when you didn't even know you were supposed to be judged.  

Hannah, I want you to know that you are truly and completely loved for you.  Not for what I want you to be, but for who you already are.  Unconditional love is rare, but a mother is one of the lucky few who is blessed with it.  

Don't ever forget who you are.  Examine your core.  Keep it close to your heart.  Never settle.  Choose friends who share your morals and goals.  Friends who are not only there for you when you stumble, but cheer you on, even if they wanted whatever it is you've gotten.  Never let a boy dictate who you are.  Don't change for them.  Don't share yourself with any boy that doesn't totally and completely respect you.  Be picky.  Choose the ones who love who you are..who want to date you because they like you for you, not for something they think you are.

Respect your body.  It's yours, not theirs.  Keep yourself sacred, and don't cave to the peer pressures surrounding.  I promise you, not everyone's doing it.  Many are, that's true, but not all.  Some say they are, but they're not. Some really are, and they're hurting inside.  You'll be curious..you'll want to know, but you'll find out soon enough.  You only get one 1st.  One 1st boyfriend, one 1st hand holding.. and one 1st kiss.  Only 1.  Make sure, deep in your heart, that he is the one you want to remember these 1sts with.  Because, you will.  For the rest of your life, you will remember these things.  You'll want to look back on them with true beautiful sentiment.  

Never take yourself too seriously.  This life is fleeting.  There will be moments in life that you will want to take back.  You will want to hide in your closet & pretend like it never happened.  Don't.  Hold your head up high, and walk in the light.  I promise, whatever that bad thing was, it will pass.  People will forget, and you will go on with your life.  But learn from it.  Take it, examine it, and choose how you would do things differently.

Love your life, your friends, your family, and your beliefs.  Hold your morals above all else.  I've told you before, but I always want you to remember.. You are an honorable person.  You have your honor, hold it close to you, don't ever let it go.  Once you've broken that bond of trust, it's not easy to glue it back together.  It will take work. Lots of it.  Some people won't want to go through all the work, but you need to.  If you mess up, and you do break that trust, don't just throw in the towel..work for it! People are forgiving by nature, and if they aren't willing to forgive you, then it was for the best.

But, above all else, don't let the world mold you.  You mold the world.  Take it in your hands, shape it, twist it, turn in upside down, and be someone who, at the end of her life, is remembered for all the amazing & courageous things she did.  Give to this life all that you can to make it better for all those around  you.

Hannah Linda Baird, you were loved before you were born, and you will always...always be loved.  I love you, my little chickadee, and don't let anything let you ever think otherwise.

Love,

Mom

Just some thoughts, random but blogged, nonetheless.

It is the 1st day without Roxy here, and it is a strange, strange feeling. Of course, there's those momentary blips of forgetting. Like when the other dogs are taking a drink, and I have to double check to make sure it's not Roxy-she had a bad problem throwing up water after drinking too much, so we had to regulate her.

Or when I went to feed the dogs this morning, that "ugh" part of me sighed as I thought about fighting Roxy in her Bailey Chair...then realizing there was nothing to fight.

Then I remember what a life she had, and how much she really enjoyed this family. How, no matter what, I'm glad for the fact that she was ours and we were hers.  We used to go tell her to "go lay down with your boy" or "go lay down with your girl" when it was nighttime, and she would go in there every night & pick a room to sleep in.

It's a hard thing, losing someone, no matter how big or small they were, how much they talked or didn't, or how behaved or misbehaved they were..

Andrew's taking the day off to recuperate, and Hannah hasn't really dealt with it yet-I'm guessing it will take her own time, but I am praying that she doesn't manifest it into something odd, since her only request afterwards was to "go on the computer" after being told that she couldn't "go see it" referring to Roxy..not her, it.  :(

Steve took a piece of wood & carved Roxy's name, a heart, and a dog bone into it.  We'll be placing it on her grave tonight, as we were waiting for the paint to dry today.  It meant so much to me that he did that, and I think it was therapeutic for Andrew & him.  Hannah wanted to help but I don't think in the same way as a way of healing, though I'm sure it did help even if she didn't realize it.

I feel a shadow of guilt as I look forward to cleaning my carpets & not having to stress about dog puke all over it.  I'm also feeling bad that I'm looking forward in investing in some nicer floor mats, since Roxy had such a bad habit of always throwing up on them.  Guilt mixed with relief, really.

There's peace in knowing she went peacefully.  That those last moments were with her loved ones, in a state of euphoria as she passed away. It makes things easier than dying here because of starvation.  I know that, but gotta get my heart & my mind in sync for this one.  Guess that'll take some time.

So many thanks for all the support in this time.  It was such a help to know that I had good people surrounding us with their thoughts & prayers.

Roxy, Roxy, Roxy..

Andrew & Roxy. "The" Camping Trip
November 2009

Hannah & Roxy 2006

Thomas & Roxy 2010

What can I say about the "dumb dog" as we so often called her.  She really was.  Dumb as a box of rocks, but so in tune with other's emotions that it was easy to forgive her 5 minutes later when she was curled up in the kids bed, giving me that "I'm sorry, Mom" look.  Ohhh, the puppy dog eyes.. She had them down pat.

Roxy came into our lives a little shy of 7 years ago.  She was already 9 months old when we picked her up from the Humane Society.  She actually wasn't the dog I wanted.  I had been scouring http://www.petfinder.com to find that perfect pet, when I came across a feisty black lab that looked like she would be the most fun for the kids, and a great addition to the family.  The only concern for this dog was that she was a fence jumper & that's why the previous owners had to finally send her away.  However, this dog hit a spot in my heart that I just knew I wanted her.  So we all went to the Humane Society that day in the hopes of getting ourselves the perfect black lab.  Yet when we got there, the dog was already gone.  We were given the option of walking through the kennels, so we did just that.  All the dogs looked so sad but none of them seemed right.  Then, for the first time on the trip, the kid's dad was walking towards a kennel. "This is the one" he said.  So we took her to the little play yard, and we threw the ball with her.  She was sweet & kind, and the volunteer told us that she had just gotten there the evening before, and was probably a little shell shocked, but that by being there such a short time her disposition would have been only slightly altered, as opposed to a dog who had been there longer & sort of lost their spirit in such a sad, confined place.  So the matter was settled.  This dog, who's previous name was "Tiva Bear" (yes, please laugh..it's a horrible name) was now going to be ours.  The only thing was, we had to wait until "Tiva Bear" was spayed & brought up to date on all of her shots, so it would be 2 days before we could pick her up from the vet.

Excited with the new addition to the family, we went to Petco & picked out her collar, leash, and all the toys/food/supplies we would need for our newest family member..  The kids & I couldn't stop talking about her, and we all agreed that the name "Tiva Bear" was absolutely out of the question.  We knew very little about the dog, except that she'd been one of many dogs in the previous home, but that she was the only one brought in that day, due to the owner's "inability to provide good care to her."  We also knew that she had passed all of her "tests" with flying colors. She was great with other animals, great with kids..but one little thing-she did really poorly with the little baby test..where they stick one of those simulator babies in front of them & see how she reacts.  She apparently flipped out on that one.  But that was it..all we knew.  Nothing more. So we waited & contemplated name after name after name.  Finally deciding on Roxy Aloha..since I'd liked both names & our collar was Hawaiian inspired, and I have a fondness for yelling out first & middle names so often...Roxy Aloha was it.

The weekend passed sooooo slowly, and then it was time.  I went to the vet alone, since I knew she'd be scared & would want some quiet time to orient herself to us.  We got home, and the poor dog was throwing up the pain meds, so we decided to quit giving them to her.  Once she was off of the medicine, she became the sweeeeetest little dog ever.  To the kids.  To Garett & I, she was ornery & didn't listen.. She'd sneak Hannah's (and only Hannah's) little dress shoes out of her room (Hannah was 3 back then..imagine the cute shoes).  She'd gnaw on them until we'd see her and then the second our backs were turned she'd be in there again.  Oh, and that food we bought?  We'd bought the big big bag that the Humane Society had used.  The expensive stuff..yeah, well she was apparently allergic & got a big rash all over, itching & scratching.  So, to recap..1st week home, bad rash & throwing up.  This would be the story of our lives for the next 7 years..

She'd sneak into the trash-even knew how to open the cupboard for it.  She'd eat anything....anything.  We'd find random Nerf bullets, tennis ball fuzz, bits of Barbie doll clothes in our daily poop patrols.  I once found a box of chocolate pudding ripped up in the back yard that she'd gotten from the pantry, unbeknownst to me.  And how could I know..The laundry door had been closed & the pantry as well.  She'd pushed the door open, pawed the pantry open, gotten it, and found a little corner of the side yard to go to town on it.

She's wasn't potty trained in the least, and she'd get bouts of diarrhea during our food experimentation days in which she'd apparently freak out and start running around Hannah's room, and I mean ALL over..while we were sitting in the very room she'd be going outside to go..after we'd JUST tried to get her out.  She also had this obsessive licking problem.  I mean, obsessive compulsive licking.  She wouldn't stop..couldn't stop.  We'd be sitting on the couch and she'd walk by and just SLURP her way across us all, except sometimes she'd focus on one person, and no matter how many times you'd try & get her to stop, she'd compulsively schluuuuuurp that one extra slurp.  We called it "walk by lickings" I'd catch the kids letting her lick them.  They would never tell her to stop, so sometimes as much as 5 minutes would pass where she'd just lick & lick & lick.  UGH!!  It wasn't until I showed them documented grossness online that they FINALLY gave up on liking it, and stopped deterring my getting her to stop.  She also was a jumper, a rush out the door and two blocks away runner, a leash puller and heavy pawed, to name a few.  Oh, there were so many behaviors wrong with this dog.

Many of these things were worked on, many she was just to dumb to figure out.  Although I will never know for sure if it was ornery or dumb, really.  I know there was so much more I should have been doing with her.  So many training techniques that I never got down, but at the same time she just wasn't one to retain information anyway, and I was going through so much stress.  The second & final separation from the kid's dad, coupled with the fact that I was working odd hours as a waitress while also trying to maintain the feeling of a stay at home mom for my kids.  Trying to get it all done & never really having enough time for any of it. Plus, just sheer lack of commitment to such things from me.  I was bitter & angry.  This was my ex's dog honestly.  He'd picked her out & he'd wanted her. Now that he'd left he left me with the expensive food she required and the horrible behaviors, along with singlehandedly raising 2 young kids, maintaining a job & taking the kids to music, sports, school, helping with homework.  The entire thing.  So I sort of looked at her as a problem, and not much more, for a long time.

Luckily Steve was great with her.  Eventually getting her to stop bolting out the door or jumping on guests.  He knew what to do and although I didn't always agree with his methods, the outcome couldn't be denied-she was a much better dog, and I was able to enjoy her a little more.

However, many of the bad habits persisted.  One of them being a food thief.  If you left  food out, even for a few minutes, she would find a way to get it.  If you left the trash can cupboard door opened even a sliver, she'd get in there and rip up all of the food wrappers, eating every last bit of nasty disgusting food.  One time last year I had gone in to talk to Steve about something in the garage.  I couldn't have been in there for more than 5 minutes, really. When I came back to clean up dinner-there was the evidence.  There had been 2 boxes of pizza-one had 1 or 2 slices in the box still, and the other-an entire large pizza.  Both boxes were ripped from the table and all of the pizza eaten in under 5 minutes! Ugh I was so mad!!!

Then at night, as she lay with the kids, snoring I would see.  She was just a kid, like them.  Always had that mentality, never grew out of it.

There are so many stories..like the time we went camping last year.  Steve had lost his job, but we'd been saving for this camping trip, and we decided, since we had enough emergency backup money set aside, that we were still going to go on this trip to sort of mentally be relieved from all the stresses of closing down the business.  We also decided to bring both the dogs, despite the fact that we had a 5 month old.  I tell you, that dog was the only thing to go wrong the whole entire trip!  She chewed through the leash we had her tethered to (on an at least 20 foot runner!). She refused to go to the bathroom at camp or walking around on the leash, but there was no way we were going to let her off to go, since the one time we tried she took 20 minutes to explore, never going & almost getting us caught by rangers.  She wouldn't listen on walks, yanked my arm around, killed my shoulder. Every time we'd put her on her "gentle leader" collar she'd just gnaw on the leash or stop randomly, tripping me with the baby, so that she could try & pull it off with her paw.

On our way to the 2nd campsite, we had to leave her in the trailer as we drove.  It wasn't the ideal place, but it was all we could do for her, and she didn't seem to mind it, since we stopped often to check on the dogs. (Note, I said stopped often, stretched & tried to get them to go potty)  Well, when we stopped one of the times, apparently that 3 days worth of not going had taken it's toll on Roxy, and she went.  All. Over. The. Trailer.  It was so much pent up pee &  poo that it soaked through the carpet & got into the wood.  Steve ended up having to pull out that carpet, and we spent the rest of the trip cold with no floor insulation in November, and nauseous due to the smell.

Shortly after that, on one of our excursions, she ran so far away in a field and down a big hill that there was that brief second of "Should we leave her" followed by the direct thought "No, Hannah would kill us."  haha.. So we waited and called her and she finally came back, and from that point forward we had a hard time not resenting every little thing she did on that trip.

So as much as this dog has been great for the kids, as much love as she gives & how unconditionally amazing she is to all 3 of them, she has been a huge burden on me.  From the expensive food, to sneaking into everything, never telling us she has to go to the bathroom and just GOING right in front of us (I do, of course, take her out regularly, but sometimes she still of course has to go).  Between the stresses of divorce, a new baby, Steve losing his job, and the never ending whirlwind of activities around here, I felt guilty that a small wave of relief washes over me now.  It's awful.  I didn't even get sad until I made that 1st appointment. It all just felt so mechanical & I was overthinking the process.  But after that phone call to discuss options I sat there & cried, sobbed.  But now, now that we'd cancelled & the reinstated a time to euthanize her, I'm feeling frustrated at the level of absolute pain in the butt this dog put me through.

From the very beginning she has been an absolute chore to doggy parent.  She's stressed me out, made me want to beat her (and I'm not a beater, I tell you). Made me think it was time to let her go, then gave us false hope. Made me go back & forth with how much to take care of her & how much to just let go & put her down..made me have to decide that, even as she wags her tail, she's skin & bones and dying slowly from the inside out, with a cheery look on her face.  Forcing us to end her life way too prematurely, because of something that might or might not have been her own doing with all the bad behaviors over the years.

I know, I know I'll miss her.  I will.  As time goes on, all those memories of her will become whimsy & lighthearted.  The camping trip won't seem like it was such a big deal, and the way she drove me crazy will be romanticized into something resembling a liking for it.

I love her dearly, I do. I love the way she was a part of my kid's life, of mine. She helped them deal with the loss of their dad here every night-to cope with the divorce. She taught them discipline by caring for another being, gave them unconditional love, and opened up avenues that otherwise wouldn't be there for them now. She's been such an amazing dog for Thomas, too. Even though she didn't pass those tests at the Humane Society for little babies, it never showed up when we brought him home.  She was kind & gentle & has always been good around him.  I am thankful in so many ways for what she brought this family, and I don't doubt she was meant to be ours, but oh my, what a ride it has been.